Our Loss
by Pippeloen
Summary: He had seen her in pain before. He had seen her cry before. She had never looked so defeated though. She looked like she lost all hope and that was the opposite of who she was. Future fic. One shot.


A/N: Future fic taking place around two years after season 5.

Warning: it's sad.

XX

They made their way into the house in complete silence. There was nothing to say. Nothing that would make it better, nothing that would make the pain go away.

Sam watched as Andy immediately headed towards the stairs. He knew she was in pain. Not just emotional pain, but physical pain as well. He could tell by the way she walked.

For a moment Sam just stood in the living room. He didn't know what to do.

He didn't know if he should follow Andy upstairs or if he should just let her be for a little while. He didn't know what she needed; didn't know what he needed either.

After five minutes he decided to follow her. She had been too calm, too collected. After her initial breakdown she was just completely zoned out. He needed to see that she wasn't losing it while she was alone.

When Sam didn't find her in their bedroom or the bathroom he checked the other room; the nursery.

Or what was supposed to be the nursery in a few months' time.

He found her there while she was pulling on two big boxes.

"Andy," he tried.

"We should probably send these back. I think they give full refunds if you send it back within 30 days." Andy didn't look at him while she was talking. She just kept collecting stuff and papers that went with all the boxes.

"Just leave it for now," Sam said. He gently pulled on Andy's arm and made her look at him. "The doctor said you should take it easy."

Andy let out a humourless laugh and shook her head. "Why?" she questioned. "It's not like I can do anymore damage."

"McNally," Sam warned. He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He knew exactly what she was doing and he needed for her to stop. He got why she felt the need to pretend like nothing happened, but that was going to solve anything. "Don't, okay?"

"Don't what?" Andy asked.

If Sam didn't know his wife any better he maybe would have believed that she didn't know what he meant. They had been through hell and back together and he knew her better than anybody.

"Don't act like you're fine. You're not fine."

Andy bowed her head and her lip started to tremble. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I'm so sorry." Her shoulders began to shake and the tears started to flood again.

Sam pulled her closer and rested his chin on the top of her head. "It's not your fault," he whispered. "The doctor told you that."

"I don't get it," Andy let out between sobs. "Everything was going great."

Sam didn't have any answers for her. He just held her close to him and grieved along with her.

Their loss was unexpected. Andy found out she was pregnant three months before. She had been good and when she passed the critical twelve week mark they started ordering stuff for the nursery.

The doctor told them that after the twelfth week it would be unlikely to miscarriage.

Unlikely, but possible as it turned out.

They lost the baby that they had been so happy about.

Of course they were nervous. Both had doubts if they would make good parents, but they both had enough faith in each other to know that they would manage.

"We're going to be okay," Sam promised. He tried to swallow away his own tears and focus on Andy.

They stayed in each other's arms for a long time. Neither said a word, but both felt comforted by the others presence.

When Andy ran out of tears and Sam had a head ache from holding them in, they went downstairs again.

"You want to order Chinese or something?" Sam asked when he noticed the time.

"I'm not hungry," Andy said as she sat down on the couch. She was still as white as a sheet from all the blood she lost and the look in her eyes was hallow and cold.

"You have to eat something. The doctor said.."

"Sam, please," Andy stopped him. "I don't want to hear it, okay? Not now. Just order something."

With a quick nod Sam left the living room and walked into the kitchen to grab a take out menu. He wasn't even irritated because of Andy's fall out. He was glad that she was giving him some kind of response. In the hospital all she had done was stare at the wall.

After placing an order Sam went back to Andy. He found her curled up on the couch with a blanket over her knees. Sam sat down next to her and pulled her feet on his lap.

"You cold?" he asked.

Andy shrugged and sniffed again. "It's okay," she said.

The room turned quiet again as both were lost in their own thoughts.

"I was too selfish," Andy said after a while.

Before Sam could respond she continued. "I didn't want to leave the streets. Maybe if.."

"Andy, don't," Sam warned. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? The doctor said that it sometimes just happens. You weren't in situations that got out of control, you didn't drink, you ate healthy. You did everything you could to protect this baby."

"I was really looking forward to being a mom," Andy admitted. "And to see you as a dad. I really thought that we were ready for it." Andy sat up and the look on her face broke Sam's heart.

He had seen her in pain before. He had seen her cry before. She had never looked so defeated though. She looked like she lost all hope and that was the opposite of who she was.

"We were," Sam agreed. He swallowed away the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. "We will be."

Andy crawled a little closer to Sam and rested her head in the crook of his neck. "I love you," she whispered. "I wouldn't have gotten through today if it wasn't for you."

As much as he wanted to take the credit for that fact, Sam couldn't. "I didn't do much." After he had gotten a phone call from Gail that Andy was in the hospital, all Sam did was race to the ER and sit besides his wife.

It didn't take the doctors long to tell them that Andy had indeed lost their baby. It did take a long time before she was released though.

The nurses took her vitals over and over again, they checked her blood work more than once and the OBGYN came in to explain everything to them.

She explained to them that there was no reason to assume that it would happen a second time. She told them that Andy lost a lot of blood, but that she would be okay as long as she took her rest. She basically tried everything to bring some comfort, but their pain was too fresh and deep.

"What happened exactly?" Sam asked when Andy's breathing was slowing down again. "Were you in pain this morning?"

Andy shook her head and sat up. "It began before lunch, but it was just mild cramping. During lunch it got worse and then I went into the restroom and I saw that I was bleeding. Gail came to check on me because she knew that I hadn't been feeling well and she just flipped on the siren and drove me to the ER."

"I think she called me when you were in the ER."

"Yeah, I asked her to," Andy said. "She probably would have done it anyway, but I really wanted you with me."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner," Sam apologized. "I drove as fast as I could."

"We probably should both stop apologizing," Andy reasoned. "I know you came right away, probably broke some rules during the ride over."

"Probably," Sam agreed.

The doorbell rang and Sam quickly pressed a kiss to the top of Andy's head and stood up. "I guess it's the delivery guy."

Sam opened the door and paid the boy. He went to get some plates and handed Andy one. They both didn't eat much, but Sam was just glad Andy at least tried to eat.

When both of them were done Sam got rid of the trash and put their plates in the dishwasher. Andy told him that she was going to shower and immediately headed for the stairs.

While she was showering Sam thought about how different their lives had been in the morning. Andy had been sixteen weeks pregnant and he was the proudest man in the world.

Just a week before they had done a sonogram. Their babies heartbeat had filled the room and everything had looked perfect.

Sam couldn't wrap his head around the fact that their baby was just gone. All the plans they had made for the next few months didn't mean a thing anymore.

Anger built up inside of him as he thought about what they had lost and what they would have to process. Sam slammed his fist against the wall and repeated that action twice.

It didn't solve anything, but it felt good to let something out.

Twenty minutes later Andy was still in the shower, so Sam decided to check up on her. He found her with a towel wrapped around her on the edge of the bathtub. She had obviously been crying again.

"Come on," Sam said as he helped her up. He took her sweatpants and baggy T-shirt and gently helped her putting them on.

She wasn't an invalid and could do it by herself, but he needed to do something.

"What happened?" Andy asked when she saw his bruised hand. She took it in hers and swiped her thumb over the dried blood.

"Had a disagreement with a wall," Sam explained. He knew that Andy would understand.

She didn't ask any more questions, but just gave Sam a sad smile. "Do you mind if I turn in already? I'm exhausted."

"Of course not," Sam answered. "I think I'll join you. I'll just close up, okay?"

Sam went downstairs and turned off all the lights. He made sure the door was locked and then joined Andy upstairs. After a quick shower he crawled into bed next to Andy and laid on his back.

He stared at the ceiling while he was listening to Andy's breathing. "Are you in pain?" he asked when he heard Andy hiss.

"It's okay," Andy promised. "Doctor said it was normal to experience more pain since it's a late miscarriage."

It was the first time that Andy had used that word. Sam had called Oliver, Traci and Gail while they were in the hospital. He knew that they all knew that Andy was in the ER and that they would be worried.

After that he called their new staff sergeant Jameson to explain that Andy and himself would not come into work the coming week. He had told the story four times, but every time it was just as hard.

"Sam?" Andy asked in a small voice. "We'll be alright, right? We'll get through this?"

"Of course," Sam answered without missing a beat. He rolled onto his side and put his arm around Andy's waist. "We always do."

"We do," Andy agreed. "I love you."

"I love you too," Sam told her. "I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be hard, but we'll deal with it, okay?"

"Okay," Andy agreed. "You and me, together."

That night neither of them really slept. Their minds kept wondering back to the little life that had been growing inside of Andy. Both of them felt empty in the morning, but somehow they found the strength to get up and face the day.

The next night sleep came a little easier. Exhaustion took over and they slept, but didn't feel rested in the morning.

On the third day after the miscarriage they fought. Andy was being stubborn over going back to work and Sam didn't hold back his opinion.

She wasn't ready and he knew it.

They screamed at each other and after everything was said they ignored each other for a few hours. Before they went to bed Andy finally admitted that maybe Sam was right. She apologized for the things she said and so did Sam.

Things got a little better after that. It was as if they needed to fight to let go of some of the tension.

A week after that Andy was ready to go back to work. The doctor cleared her and even though she was still sad, she needed to get out of the house.

It was unfortunate, but her first call turned out to be child abuse. Thankfully Andy was partnered with Oliver who managed to keep the situation under control.

Before their shift ended Oliver parked the cruiser on an abandoned parking lot. "Let it out," he said before turning off the engine.

Andy looked up in confusion. "When we get back to the barn, Jameson is going to ask you into his office to evaluate your first day back. If you go in like this he'll put you on desk duty."

"I have a right to be pissed," Andy protested. "Did you see those kids? How can people like that become parents.." Andy clenched her jaw and shook her head.

"It's unfair Andy, I know." Oliver looked at his former rookie and saw the build-up anger inside of her. "Look, Jameson doesn't know you. I do know you and I know that you need to get out on the streets and work with people. He won't see it that way. So yell, scream or throw something, but don't go into his office like this."

Andy got out of the cruiser and started to pace. She kneeled down and then got up again. When everything became too much she kicked against a trash can and then sat down on the ground.

Oliver kept his distance while he gave Andy some time to process their day. He knew what it was like to be a white shirt and he saw enough of their new one to know that he wouldn't let Andy go out if he thought her emotional state was compromised.

Oliver knew that Andy was strong though. She needed her work and putting her behind a desk would only make her more miserable.

When Andy joined Oliver on the bench he sat down on she let out a deep breath. "Thank you."

"You ready to face the big boss?"

"I am," Andy said. "Unless my makeup is a mess."

"You look fine," Oliver promised. "Let's go."

As predicted Jameson's evaluation wasn't easy, but Andy showed him that she was capable and stable enough to do her job.

When she was done Andy found Sam waiting for her outside Jameson's office. "Tough shift?" he asked.

He had obviously talked to Oliver and knew what had happened. Andy shrugged and stepped closer to Sam. "I'm okay," she promised. She linked their fingers together and laid her head on his shoulder. "Take me home?"

"Always."

Their loss wasn't forgotten and would never be, but they were strong enough to go on. They could get through anything life would throw at them.

Together.

XX

The end


End file.
